As much as it pains me to type this, I've seriously been considering deleting Snapchat. You might be screaming out, "Yo, but why?? Why would a top 10 snapper and one of the most handsome men alive retire from the game??" and to be honest, these are the exact questions I've been asking myself. I had to analyze what brought me to this point and why was I feeling this way. I came to the conclusion that there are four types of Snappers in this world - only one of which made the app what it is today - and the other three are responsible for the demise of this revolutionary form of social media.
1. The True Snappers - A True Snapper is the best kind of snapper you can be. These are the people who use the app exactly as it was intended - to send somewhat sketchy, often funny glimpses of their day to day life to SELECT people. Waking up to take an enormous shit after you crushed 12 beers and an entire Bloomin Onion the night before? Throw a video to your best buddies and let them know exactly what that sounds like. Forgot to take a video but realize how disgusting this is going to look? Take a pic, toss a 5 second timer on that thing and send it on it's way. Basically a True Snapper loves to send and receive anything poop related. Some other features of True Snappers are -
a. Never screenshot.
b.Selective in deciding who's in the circle of trust (who gets the best of the best the weird of the weird snaps)
c. Great mix of material, photos, and videos.
d. Select appropriate length of time for each snap.
Now we'll dive into the 3 types of Snappers who are ruining the fun for the True Snappers.
2. The Try Hard Snappers - These are the Snappers who just flat out suck at Snapchat. Everyone has at least one friend who is a Try Hard Snapper and it's usually a fringe friend who you don't really like but he's just sort of always there so you tolerate him. They're the kind of people to take a picture of a Chipotle burrito, leave all 10 seconds on the timer, and then write the caption "Chipotle, so good!". Like, ok dude yeah people like Chipotle but if you think I have 10 seconds to waste on a picture of a tortilla ball you're an idiot. Or they'll send a picture, again with the entire 10 seconds on the timer, of an empty Gatorade bottle with the caption "Crushed it"......absolutely unbearable shit. But as we've already established, you probably don't like this person that much to begin with so even if they did send you videos on them pooping or a pic of some hot chicks butt, you'd still hate it. Try Hards do have similar features as True's like they won't screenshot and they do have a good mix of material - the only thing is their material sucks and they probably don't even know how to screen shot in the first place.
3. The Facebook Snappers - Facebook Snappers make my blood boil to one million degrees Fahrenheit even though they aren't the worst Snappers out there. Facebook Snappers are folks who dabbled in the game for awhile, they may have even been considered True Snappers at one point in their careers but then shit changed. They stop sending snaps altogether, like literally they never send them. Yet, they still have Snapchat - more over, they still OPEN all of their received snapchats in an incredibly timely manner. Like what the FUCK man? The reason these annoying assholes are called Facebook Snappers is because at the end of the day, they're just nosy jerks with a severe case of FOMO. They want to keep up with what everyone else is doing and they want the good material. The worst part is, True Snappers actually send their best material to Facebook Snappers because in most cases, Facebook Snappers are some of your best friends and they're the people that True's want to make laugh. It's a vicious cycle of give and take except the True's are the only ones giving and the FB's are the only one's taking. Whatever happened to I'll scratch your back if your scratch mine? Shit.
4. The 'My Story' Snappers - The undisputed heavy weight champions of the WORST SNAP CHATTERS EVER. My Story Snappers are so out of touch with what Snapchat is all about. In case you've forgotten over the course of this novel I've written, Snapchat was intended for people to send somewhat sketchy, often funny glimpses of their day to day life to SELECT people - aka the definition of a True Snapper. My Story Snappers are fucking ego maniacs, legitimately think they're celebrities, and that everyone should care about what they're doing. It's basically like a running documentary of their lives and they think people are actually interested. Think about it like this; My Story Snappers will put together a snap and then instead of selecting certain people to send it to (like I don't know, their actual friends?) they just go ahead and assume that EVERYONE wants to see it. BIZZARO WORLD. Secondly, If you're a My Story Snapper, you clearly aren't sending anything snap chat worthy because you're letting everyone in on the action. If it were a worthy snap chat, you would be more selective in who you send it to, right? And lastly, their "stories" last like 30-60 seconds!!! Are you kidding me with this shit???? So just to sum these assholes up, they basically just want to shove whatever they're doing at any given moment down literally everyone's throat. Listen, if you're a My Story person and want people to know that you ran a 5k that morning, that you ~~love your job!!~~, that you drank a few beers with your friends, or whatever other basic stuff you're doing, just go post it on your other social media sites - don't ruin Snapchat by turning it into your Facebook page.
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