Can't Spell Optimism without DC

Did you hear? The Redskins 2014 schedule has hit the streets and we're going to the Super Bowl...

  

REGULAR SEASON:

DATE	OPPONENT (NETWORK)	TIME (ET)
Sunday, Sept. 7	at Houston Texans (FOX)	1 p.m.
Sunday, Sept. 14	vs. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (CBS)	1 p.m.
Sunday, Sept. 21	at Philadelphia Eagles (FOX)	1 p.m.
Thursday, Sept. 25	vs. NEW YORK GIANTS (CBS) #	8:25 p.m.
Monday, Oct. 6	vs. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (ESPN) #	8:30 p.m.
Sunday, Oct. 12	at Arizona Cardinals (FOX)	4:25 p.m.*
Sunday, Oct. 19	vs. TENNESSEE TITANS (CBS)	1 p.m.*
Monday, Oct. 27	at Dallas Cowboys (ESPN) #	8:30 p.m.
Sunday, Nov. 2	at Minnesota Vikings (FOX)	1 p.m.*
Sunday, Nov. 9	BYE
Sunday, Nov. 16	vs. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (FOX)	1 p.m.*
Sunday, Nov. 23	at San Francisco 49ers (FOX) !	4:25 p.m.*
Sunday, Nov. 30	at Indianapolis Colts (FOX)	1 p.m.*
Sunday, Dec. 7	vs. ST. LOUIS RAMS (FOX)	1 p.m.*
Sunday, Dec. 14	at New York Giants (FOX)	1 p.m.*
Saturday, Dec. 20	vs. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (TBD) ^	TBD^
Sunday, Dec. 28	vs. DALLAS COWBOYS (FOX)	1 p.m.*

If anyone listened to the Junkies this morning, you heard that EB pretty much had the Skins going 14-2 as visions of RGIII hoisting the Lombardi trophy down Pennsylvania Ave. danced through his head. They all had the Skins doing optimistically well actually, minus my boy Lurch whose history of degenerate gambling probably gives him more of a modest outlook on things. Personally, I think the Wizards two game playoff win streak against the Bulls have them all harder than a 13 year-old that just discovered YouJizz. EB basically picked the Redskins to win every game except for the Seahawks and the 9ers, and he hesitated before he committed to that 9ers loss. They had Mike Jones on with them, the Skins beat reporter from the Post, and even he had them going like 11-5 or something absurd.

After the Nationals and Redskins both made the playoffs back in 2012, I was so high on my DC squads that I couldn't see the ground. Then 2013 came around, the wheels fell off, and I crashed face first into the reality of DC despair. Look, I want the Redskins to win as much as the next obnoxiously short-sided DC fan, but come on guys, don't count your chickens before they come home to roost. Apparently, no one but me and non-DC fans understand that our failure year after year is inevitable. I can't stand the yuppies of this town for a lot of reasons, but of all the insufferable qualities of Washingtonians, their blind optimism toward their sports teams is hands-down the most insufferable. You guys want a real prediction for next season - in the words of Kenny Powers - I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.

Week 1 - @ Houston - Loss 

Houston's going to draft Johnny Football, and although I think he's going to be a total bust, his career opener at home in Texas is going to be a circus-fucking-field-day. Drake and H.W. Bush will both be there in their Texans jerseys. Johnny Football is going to do Johnny Football things and just skeet-skeet bang-bang all over the Redskin's secondary. 

Week 2 - Jacksonville - Win 

It's the Jaguars. 

Week 3 - @ Philly - Loss 

Too much hype around DeSean, Chip Kelly will have that offense hitting on all cylinders, it's going to be another blow out, just like last year. It's the nature of the beast here in Washington that we're going to lose games with big hype. Know it, learn it, live it.  

Week 4 - NYG - Loss 

First prime-time game, ton of pressure to win after falling to 1-2 with a huge division loss the week before, just too much for Washington's fragile psyche. RGIII will probably have an injury scare too, and four games in, it's all down hill from here.

Week 5 - Seattle - Loss 

I mean, we're not beating the Seahawks, don't even kid yourself. DeSean and Richard Sherman fight the whole game. Richard wears that ass out. DJax places all blame on RGIII and from here until the end of the season DeSean is a cheaper Albert Haynesworth. 

Week 6 - @ Arizona - Loss

I'm going to say Arizona will be looking pretty sharp at this point in the season. In Washington, we'll already be talking about firing Jay Gruden. Total shambles.

Week 7 - Tennessee - Win 

Final score, 9-7. We win with three field goals. Eric Bickle will be all over Twitter shouting about a turn-around, but it's just the Titans and we're 2-5. Chill the fuck out. 

Week 8 - @ Dallas - Loss

Division game. Away. A lot of pressure from EB and the rest of our shitty fan base. Tony Romo throws for 400 and 3 TD's. Big loss. RGIII under-performs and tweaks his knee again. Skepticism city. 

Week 9 - @ Minnesota - Win

Jay tells Bob to grab some pine. First game with Kirk Cousins at the helm. We have, what DC fans call, a "huge" win. Final score - 24-17. All 3 TD's from Cousins and #KC1 is trending on Twitter. We head into the bye week 3-6 and the optimism sweeping the city is so Redskins it's nauseating.  

Week 10 - Tampa Bay - Loss

Hype city. It's Glennon's homecoming and he kills it. Cousins throws a TD and 3 picks, DeSean bitches all game long, RGIII bitches about Jay Gruden in a post-game interview. Shambles. 

Week 11 - @ San Francisco - Loss 

Again, don't kid yourself. Zippy chance we're beating the 9ers. 

*Mid-week drama - Obama makes another public comment about the "racist" nature of the Redskins team name. Media circus. Distraction city. 

Week 12 - @ Indianapolis - Loss

Andrew Luck goes bananas. The Redskins players and staff are fighting like 8th graders at recess on the sidelines. Circus. 

Week 13 - St. Louis - Loss

We just have nothing going for us except Kai Forbath tacking an occasional 3 points on the board. Monday morning - EB talks about the need for restructuring over the off-season and how he's done being optimistic about Redskins football... Until we sign Trent Richardson in the off-season and he's all in.

Week 14 - @ NYG - Loss

Like a loose boulder tumbling down a mountain, nothing is stopping this losing train, not even this late-season slow-pitch of a game against a struggling Giant's team. RGIII has bitched his way back to taking the snaps and he's looking awful but still manages to tweet out a couple motivational quotes after a post-game skewering from the media.

Week 15 - Philly - Loss

Molly-whopped. Again. DeSean's fighting everybody. 

Week 16 - Dallas - Win

We pull out a win against Dallas to end the season and give the Eagles the division title, again. That's what we hang our hats on for the season, pissing on Dallas' hopes of post-season play and sadly, that's good enough for 85% of our fan base. 

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There it is my fellow Skins fans, I hope I burst every single one of your bubbles because you're suspect, all of you. It's a 4-12 season, as sure as the blood is blue in my veins. If you think it's going down any differently, you're dumb.

PS - Wizard fans, especially those of you who back in November didn't know Bradley Beal from the homeless guy playing go-go music on kitty-litter boxes outside of the Chinatown Metro, tone it down a bit. We're not winning the NBA championship, we're not going to the Eastern Conference finals, don't be surprised if we lose this series in 6. This is DC not Boston.