So I just read this BroBible article series listing the 10 Biggest Bros from the last decade in film and television and it is so embarrassingly short-sighted in scope that it's begging to be redone. It's basically got like 4 different Will Ferrell characters and Danny McBride in EB&D. Way to get creative BroBible. I almost quit reading the movie post after the initial Notebook joke. Quality stuff, guys. First ever Notebook crack. They lump together The Hangover and Zombieland at number 5, totally unrelated flicks. McLovin finishes at number 4. There's just no method to the madness. It's a slap in the face to all the real fictional bros that have lived and crushed it on the big screen. Wouldn't expect anything else from a website called BroBible. I mean the last decade? If you're to compile a list like this, you've got to go all-time. Only fair that you dig deep and give the legends the credit they deserve. That's why I'm taking into account everything from the beginning of time* for a complete legends power ranking.
*I'm thinking the 70's is the earliest I'm going back. Probably some OGs before that like James Dean or John Wayne or Humphrey Bogart but I don't have time for all that shit. At least I'm doing more than BroBible.
Honorable Mentions
Phil Wenneck of The Hangover portrayed by Bradley Cooper
Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell and LT. J.G. Nick "Goose" Bradshaw of Top Gun portrayed by Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards
Frank "The Tank" Ricard of Old School portrayed by Will Ferrell
Jordan Belfort of Wolf of Wall Street portrayed by Leo DiCaprio
Ferris Bueller of Ferris Bueller's Day Off portrayed by Matthew Broderick
The Rundown
#10 - Johnny "Drama" Chase of Entourage portrayed by Kevin Dillon
If you consider yourself a heterosexual male and you haven't watched the entire Entourage series at least 4 times, I don't even know what to say to you. You're a lost cause for our species. If you watch the show enough and start to really understand the chemistry and the characters, you get to the point where literally everything Drama says is hilarious. He wears ridiculous cut-off shirts and has ridiculously comical side comments about everything that happens in the show. So many great moments with Drama, it's hard to pick only one but the Limp Bizkit fight with the surf bro has got to top the list.
#9 - Bob Lee Swagger of Shooter portrayed by Mark Wahlberg
I would throw Mark Wahlberg's depiction of Marcus Luttrell from Lone Survivor up here, Hell I should throw all of those guys up here. True heroes. But if I did that, this list would be totally different because there's a lot of true heroes from all walks of life depicted in film, so I'm going to stick to the fictional characters.
Bob Lee Swagger is a boss and basically solidified Mark Wahlberg as a badass for the rest of his career. Dude's like the ultimate survivalist. Makes it out of a hostile country after the government abandons him. Gets set up for an assassination attempt and survives a full on FBI hunt, then proves to the government he was set up by the evil senator and then donks off the senator while driving into the abyss with Kate Mara riding shotgun. If don't know who Kate Mara is, she's basically the hottest red head in the game, in my opinion. Bob Lee holding it down as the nuanced quintessential American badass.
#8 - Al Czervik of Caddyshack portrayed by Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield is hilarious in basically everything, but this is one of his better characters for sure. Just buckets of fuck its coming from Al Czervik. Dude's fucking loaded and lives a crazy extravagant lifestyle. Basically, Happy Gilmore before Happy Gilmore. Throwing cash around, getting naked lady golf tees, and to top it all off, he's got a scope on his putter. Just doesn't get much cooler than that. Got the bonus yacht scene where Al is straight fucking shit up, "I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!"
#7 - Hank Moody of Californication portrayed by David Duchovny
"A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. And two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister."
If you thought the guy who penned this fantastic insight wasn't going to been on the list, you're dumb. Hank Moody, mothafucka! This guy is a total cowboy. An author from New York who's stranded in Los Angeles dogging honeys and getting involved in the craziest shit you can think of. I'm not sure if there ever was or ever will be a fictional character that has pulled as much tail as this guy right here. Californication is honestly ridiculous. Like most Showtime series, it ran it's course in about 4 seasons but isn't officially ending until season 7. Just save yourself the time and watch seasons 1-4 and pretend that's all there is. Hank Moody's constant chase of Karen, the one who got away, is sort of an every man's plight. A comical romantic tragedy. Like most of the women in Hank's world, you can't resist his appeal, he's just got such a way with the words. Lot of great moments from Hank, just charming the pants off chicks, but this is one of my favorites. Maybe just because this woman is English and a total milf, maybe just because Hank is an absolute cooz hound, maybe it's both. He even makes this mushy love letter scene in a fedora look cool as fuck. Some guys have the je ne sais quoi, some don't.
#6 - The Delta Brothers of Animal House
Eric "Otter" Stratton portrayed by Tim Matheson
John "Bluto" Blutarsky portrayed by John Belushi
Donald "Boon" Schoenstein portrayed by Peter Riegert
Daniel Day "D-Day" portrayed by Bruce McGill
Robert Hoover portrayed by James Widdoes
What was I going to do, only put John Belushi on the list? Bluto may have chugged an entire bottle of Jack Daniels, smashed that pussy's guitar and dropped the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor line, but did he coin the term, "Major League Yabos?" Did he drive a Goddamn motorcycle up a flight of stairs? No, it'd have been BroBible short-sighted to only include one brother. That being said, while all the guys are hilarious, Otter stands head and shoulders above the rest. Dude slays, and I don't mean that he had a hot girlfriend, I mean that he "porked" the Greek President's girlfriend as well as the Dean's wife. Also went on to become a Gyno. Total Stratton Move. Check him out here hooking Mrs. Wormer.
#5 - Don Draper of Mad Men portrayed by Jon Hamm
If there was ever a time where I thought the term "swag" could be appropriately used. Now is the time. Don Draper has the most swag of any guy I've ever seen. The dude crushes ass and drinks like a fish, all while making millions of dollars at his ad agency. On top of that, the dude always, and I mean always, looks like he walked right out of a Brooks Brothers ad. It's not only that he dogs dozens of chicks, but it's the way he does it. He doesn't just walk up to women and say, "Hey, let's fuck." Don is a smooth motherfucker. He drops unreal pick-up lines and makes power moves that will make your head spin. Have you ever picked up a chick like this? Didn't think so.
#4 - Tyler Durden of Fight Club portrayed by Brad Pitt
Can't act like you didn't watch this movie and then immediately go look up Brad Pitt's workout plan in an effort to become a total man's man badass anarchist. Even if the effort only lasted 4 days. Maybe that was just me. In the movie, Brad Pitt describes himself as the narrator's ideal version of himself -- "I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you are not." That's not only true of Edward Norton's character, but basically every dude on the face of the Earth. If you didn't want to be Brad Pitt after this flick, I question your manhood, the world questions your manhood. He bangs the shit of Helena Carter on multiple occasions, total badass in a fist fight, does whatever the fuck he wants, and starts a crazy cult of badass dudes. Alpha male central.
#3 - Ari Gold of Entourage portrayed by Jeremy Piven
Jeremy Piven is a pretty underrated actor and usually solid across the board but his role as Ari Gold is on a whole other level. I'm probably going to say this about the rest of the finalists, but every scene with Ari and every rant he goes on is hysterical, laugh out loud, funny. Just loud mouth, profane, obscene, offensive, awful things come out of his mouth and I laugh at everything he says. Not to mention, his wife is probably the milfiest milf of all-time. She's like a 7 when the series starts, but she's a stone cold 10 by the end of the series. I was literally devastated for Ari when she left him, he was kind of asking for it, but still, women were fucking him left and right, and not in the way guys like getting fucked by women (subtle Entourage reference like you read about). That was a tough fall from grace even though he got to stick Dana Gordon again after seven seasons of sexual tension. Anyway, Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold coming in at number 3, enjoy the greatest hits.
#2 - Jeremy Grey of Wedding Crashers and Trent Walker of Swingers portrayed by Vince Vaughn
SO many money lines between these flicks. In fact, the term "money" was put on blast by Vince Vaughn's character Trent Walker in Swingers. That was the birth of Vince Vaughn. Before Jeremy Grey was slaying bridesmaids every night of wedding season, he was dogging cocktail waitresses in Vegas on a Wednesday night. I could write a Goddamn research paper about how many different quotables came from Wedding Crashers: motor boating, proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me, crab cakes and football, jabroni, lower back tattoo, might as well be a bullseye, and I won't even go down the path of all of Will Ferrell's quotes from his one scene. Chazz Reinhold certainly deserves an honorable mention here at number 2 but being such a minor character really made him ineligible for this list. Really though, I don't think there would be a Jeremy Grey if there wasn't a Trent Walker. I feel like most of my generation isn't hip to Swingers, but it is an absolute classic, solid flick all the way through. Vince Vaughn is really the appeal here though, Jon Favreau is a total pussy in the movie and that's why Vince has earned himself the number 2 spot here. Once a player, always a player.
Lot of material to watch here but totally worth 15 minutes of your time. These two scenes from Swingers are a fucking riot. The drunk scene with Vince Vaughn is so spot on, everyone's got that friend that's the asshole at the late-night meal. And just when you thought you couldn't find a more spot on scene, you've got the guys playing a video game scene, so money. Had to throw in the 10 minute Best of Wedding Crashers, just too many good moments.
"There she is, the wonderful lady! Right? Personality plus, all the time!"
#1 - David Wooderson of Dazed and Confused / Rust Cohle of True Detective portrayed by Matt McConaughey
Got to give credit where credit is due. McConaughey hits all ends of the spectrum here, Wooderson is the coolest of the cool and Cohle is the baddest of the bad. As Bnasty once put it, "I considered taking up smoking cigs for like a week because Rust made it look so cool." If you haven't seen True Detective yet, you're really missing out. Just all around greatness, Woody Harrelson is solid, but McConaughey crushes it. Just says some of the most ridiculous philosophical shit you've ever heard while simultaneously low key being the baddest cop around. The episode where he goes incognito with the biker gang and robs the drug house in the hoodest projects of New Orleans just to get a lead on a possible suspect is nothing short of bananas. The amount of drugs he does before going in there and just handling business is outrageous. I don't how know anyone could be that level headed in that situation, let alone after snorting 12 lines of meth and cocaine and PCP and whatever the fuck else he was doing.
Then you got old David Wooderson. Coolest cat to ever grace the big screen, in my opinion. Dude's got the baddest ride you can imagine and just cruises the strip looking for joints and high school chicks, because he gets older and they stay the same age. Literally, every single line McConaughey has in Dazed and Confused is absolutely hilarious.
Probably should drop a shout out to McConaughey in Wolf of Wall Street because the one scene with him in it is arguably the best scene in the 3-hour movie.
McConaughey takes the top spot, because he's McConaughey and he's awesome. Simple as that. Appreciate the greatness.
"Tootski? Hookers and cocaine, my friend. Gotta feed the geese to keep the blood flowing"
Editor's Note -- The amount of time I spent on this fucking blog post is honestly embarrassing. But I didn't realize how embarrassing it actually was until I got through ranking like 7 of the 10 dudes. Looks like a high school English project, but fuck it, it's an awesome Goddamn English project.
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