Dan Bilzerian Responds to Lawsuit Exactly How You Think He Would

DailyDot - Boy meets girl. Boy throws girl off the roof of a mansion into a pool during a Hustler shoot. Girl threatens to sue boy and said porn mag for injuries sustained during fall. Boy’s lawyer issues response to girl. Response goes viral.

In this case, the boy in question is Dan Bilzerian, pro poker player, son of a multimillionaire Wall Street banker, Instagram playboy king. He made headlines last month after he threw porn star and model Janice Griffith off a roof into a pool during a photo shoot, breaking her foot in the process.

After Griffith threatened to sue Bilzerian for $85,000 to cover the cost of the work she missed as a result of her injury, Bilzerian’s lawyer issued the following response, which his client posted on Facebook. Here it is, via Total Frat Move. (Bilzerian’s camp confirms it’s legit.)

Power moves like you read about. You think 85K means absolutely anything to Dan Bilzerian? The guy would wipe his ass with that money if someone would take a video of it for his Instagram to tag Janice Griffith as a big fuck you for thinking she could sue him for something as asinine as being thrown off a roof (low key hoping that suggestion somehow reaches Dan). When Janice tries to be the "crass opportunist," like Mr. Bilzerian's lawyer so eloquently put it, Dan doesn't soften up and give in to make Janice go away, he has his lawyer write the most fantastically condescending letter in the history of condescending letters. 

This story is just oozing Dan Bilzerian. Picks up a naked porn star by the vagina and throws her off a roof, cracks her foot, gets threatened with a lawsuit and then tells the porn star to go fuck herself. Total Ray Zalinsky move. Let's review a couple highlights from this letter --

1. "So like your client, the facts of the claim won't, quite, fly." 

2. "The tape shows that she did the one thing that she had been explicitly told in advance would stop her from making it to the pool; she grabbed Mr. Bilzerian's shirt. Now, I'm no physicist. And it won't surprise you that I don't have any relevant personal experience."

3. "Thankfully, she does seem to be getting on. I don't run in the same circles, but like a lot of people, I do have Twitter. And with all due respect, she overshares. I can't bear to describe most of what is on her eponymous account, thejaniceXXX. I will save you the embarrasment of looking for yourself. Just trust me that her recent missives with the hashtags, "#deepthroat," "#fatpussies," and "#NSFW" (the others are SFW?) suggest that her career is gangbusters."

4. "So if your client sues Mr. Bilzerian, she will obviously lose. But please don't let her believe that since you may well have a claim against Hustler, there's no downside to tacking him on as another deep-pocketed defendant who might settle just to make her go away. Mr. Bilzerian will never, ever permit the case to be resolved prior to the inevitable judgment in his favor."

5. "Your client should just box up almost every last bit of her property (please exclude all videos and photographs as well as the seemingly inevitable small yappy dog) and drop it off with you in safe keeping for Mr. Bilzerian. After he receives the judgment in his favor, he will have it all delivered to him. Then he will probably blow it up with a mortar in the desert." 

Honorable mentions: 

"I am genuinely sorry that your client was hurt. No one wants to see anyone injured. But the suggestion that Mr. Bilzerian is responsible for that injury is embarrassing. I'm sorry she made you suggest it in writing."

"Maybe your client will think this letter is unduly harsh. After all, I've never met her. I'm not at all familiar with her oeuvre. If my life depended on it, I could not tell you what phrase she has tattooed on her left breast."

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The best part is all the sweeping generalizations the lawyer makes about Janice as a porn star. The dog, the tattoo, everything is spot on. 

Can you imagine being in the room for the first read of that letter? I'm just picturing Janice sitting there with her shitty little dog, yapping from her purse while she sits there with a huge cast on her foot and snapping her gum as her lawyer reads the letter out loud. He finishes the letter puts the paper down and takes off his reading glasses in defeat. Janice snaps her gum one more time before saying, "So, what's that mean? When am I getting paid?" 

Editor's Note -- Here is Off The Felt Episode 2 with Dan Bilzerian. Just power moves for days. Who crowd surfs in an inflatable raft at a Steve Aoki concert in Vegas with Waka Flocka, Flavor Flav and Coolio? Dan Bilzerian does. Can't get enough of this guy.