I'll start by saying that Bnasty's comments about Bill Simmons sleeping with his socks on and dabbing the grease off his pizza probably finish Top 3 on the list of most hilarious things I've read on the internet this year. Literally, almost spit my coffee all over my laptop. I couldn't agree more about Lance Stephenson. Although, I have to say that I really didn't like him up until this whole blowing on LeBron ordeal. Mainly because he just scares the fuck out of me.
Just look at that face, dude is a certified psycho. In this picture, he just ripped a board and started up the court staring at his opponent like -- "I'm about to murder the shit out of you, bro." I would be the least surprised person on the planet if he catches a Ray Lewis before his career ends. I love his intensity though. He's a rare breed in the NBA right now that just plays hard nose basketball. Most of the Sallies in the NBA now-a-days wouldn't have stood a snowballs chance in Hell of playing in the 80's and early 90's era NBA, I'm going to include LeBron in that too, because as much of an animal as he is, he acts like a complete vajay on the court. Never really hated LeBron all that much in Cleveland, but like UFC fighter Chael Sonnen said about LeBron when he went to Miami -- "His hair went north, his talents went south and his mother went West."
Just to recap, here's Lance fucking with LeBron during the ECF.
A better version of that --
But this might be the best one --
This last one, most people reacted like this -- "OMG, look at this Lance Stephenson flop. He should be fined. No place for that in the NBA #IWantLeBronsNuts" -- Best part of that last Vine is LeBron's stat line at the bottom. Let me tell you what really went down here. Lance is just clowning LeBron. George Hill is bringing up the ball and Lance goes, "Hey G, you see LeBron on that last play? Dude was like... AHH" Que the fake flop - He's just having fun out there, getting all up in LeBron's head. The NBA needs more Lance Stephensons. Talking trash and playing head games. Any true fan or player of the game knows that no matter what level of basketball you're playing, trash talk and head games make up 50% of the sport. You might be better than Jordan, LeBron and Kobe combined, but if you can't deal with the Woody Harrelson / Wesley Snipes brand of White Men Can't Jump head games than you've got no place on a basketball court, especially the NBA. This is basketball. Fuck LeBron James.
"That shit is too easy! Nah, nah, nah. That shit is TOO easy!"
So if you followed the Pacers - Heat series or simply tuned in to SportsCenter for 30 seconds this week, you know that everyone in the sports world has been DESTROYING Lance Stephenson for fucking with Lebron throughout the ECF's. Up until last night, Lance Stephenson had;
1. Stated that he thought he was in Lebrons head.
2. Blew in the guys ear.
That's it. But it was enough to make me think that I was living on another planet or that the entire world was punking me (yes I just referenced Punk'd) based on the backlash Stephenson received. You would think that this guy was going out and just punching everyone in the balls and face the entire game and then sleeping with their girlfriends after. Absolute lunacy the way people were reacting to this.
Just when I thought the idiots on ESPN and the softest people around the country couldn't be anymore stupid, last night happened. Following a corner three pointer literally right in Lebron's mouth, Stephenson tapped Lebron's cheek on the way back down court. What transpired next is still simply too hard to believe.
Led by the biggest moron on the planet Bill Simmons, his followers were calling for Stephenson to be ejected, calling him a dirty player, and much worse as you can imagine. If you were one of these people, you're the softest of the soft - there's no other way to explain it and to be honest, you shouldn't be allowed to watch sports anymore.
First off, when Stephenson hit the corner three, Lebron "contested" the shot by putting his hand right on Stephenson's face. No one says one word because it's Lebron. Literally 20 seconds later, Stephenson taps Lebron's face and people want him ejected? Seriously? And I love Lebron here, goes around to the media all week saying he doesn't buy into trash talk or Stephenson's antics - yet he intentionally hits the guy in the face and then reacts like he's actually gonna fight him over a little tap. All Lebron does is contradict himself and even though the Heat won that series easily, there's no denying Lance Stephenson was in Lebrons head throughout.
Secondly, Bill Simmons is the definition of a squid and if you retweeted or favorited one of his tweets last night, you're a squid too. He tweets that Stephenson is a jackass and should be thrown out. Bill Simmons is the kind of guy who sleeps with his socks on. The kind of guy who dabs all the grease off his pizza before he takes a bite. Just the absolute worst. The best was when he complained the the NBA "cares too much about hard fouls" and is pissed that Lance was "getting away with this crap" uh yeah you fucking moron. Hard fouls have no place in the NBA because they can actually ruin someone's career, blowing in someone's ear, talking trash, and just generally fucking with them to try to take them out of their zone are not fouls, it's just called being in competition.
One final point - Lance Stephenson is a great player and if the Pacers don't attempt to resign him, it will only make them worse in my opinion. Give me a guy like that on my team 100 times out of 100 before guys like Roy Hibbert and Paul George who literally vanish in the biggest games and then try to blame everybody else. If this whole situation alone screws Stephenson out of a big contract or a shot with a bigger market team, that's a damn shame.
Dos Equis Man? Nope, this isn't a commercial. Just some guy in a fucking suit broing out in the middle of the jungle with some lions. I don't even play with dogs this aggressively, let alone a Goddamn lion. He's blowing on it's face, wrapping his legs around it. Listen guy, I'm not aware if you know this but that thing will grab you by the jugular and whip you around like a rag doll. In fact, that's usually what it does with things that aren't lions. It's cool and all that they're chill with you but they're still animals. They aren't exactly rational beings. Like if you made some kind of movement or noise it didn't like, don't think that thing's going to hesitate to fuck your shit up. I always wonder why people fuck with these kinds of animals. Like that Rob Stewart dude that swims and plays with the sharks. Just don't understand. Go zip-lining if you're look for some excitement. Don't go put yourself in the hunting environment of huge predators and play grab ass with them. Life has got to be so fucking boring for these guys after they go swimming with sharks and play soccer with lions. Like honestly, what is there left to do? Play Russian roulette with the Taliban? Play water polo with a hippopotamus? I don't know but I'm sure these crazy assholes will figure out something.
So I just read this BroBible article series listing the 10 Biggest Bros from the last decade in film and television and it is so embarrassingly short-sighted in scope that it's begging to be redone. It's basically got like 4 different Will Ferrell characters and Danny McBride in EB&D. Way to get creative BroBible. I almost quit reading the movie post after the initial Notebook joke. Quality stuff, guys. First ever Notebook crack. They lump together The Hangover and Zombieland at number 5, totally unrelated flicks. McLovin finishes at number 4. There's just no method to the madness. It's a slap in the face to all the real fictional bros that have lived and crushed it on the big screen. Wouldn't expect anything else from a website called BroBible. I mean the last decade? If you're to compile a list like this, you've got to go all-time. Only fair that you dig deep and give the legends the credit they deserve. That's why I'm taking into account everything from the beginning of time* for a complete legends power ranking.
*I'm thinking the 70's is the earliest I'm going back. Probably some OGs before that like James Dean or John Wayne or Humphrey Bogart but I don't have time for all that shit. At least I'm doing more than BroBible.
Honorable Mentions
Phil Wenneck of The Hangover portrayed by Bradley Cooper
Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell and LT. J.G. Nick "Goose" Bradshaw of Top Gun portrayed by Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards
Frank "The Tank" Ricard of Old School portrayed by Will Ferrell
Jordan Belfort of Wolf of Wall Street portrayed by Leo DiCaprio
Ferris Bueller of Ferris Bueller's Day Off portrayed by Matthew Broderick
The Rundown
#10 - Johnny "Drama" Chase of Entourage portrayed by Kevin Dillon
If you consider yourself a heterosexual male and you haven't watched the entire Entourage series at least 4 times, I don't even know what to say to you. You're a lost cause for our species. If you watch the show enough and start to really understand the chemistry and the characters, you get to the point where literally everything Drama says is hilarious. He wears ridiculous cut-off shirts and has ridiculously comical side comments about everything that happens in the show. So many great moments with Drama, it's hard to pick only one but the Limp Bizkit fight with the surf bro has got to top the list.
#9 - Bob Lee Swagger of Shooter portrayed by Mark Wahlberg
I would throw Mark Wahlberg's depiction of Marcus Luttrell from Lone Survivor up here, Hell I should throw all of those guys up here. True heroes. But if I did that, this list would be totally different because there's a lot of true heroes from all walks of life depicted in film, so I'm going to stick to the fictional characters.
Bob Lee Swagger is a boss and basically solidified Mark Wahlberg as a badass for the rest of his career. Dude's like the ultimate survivalist. Makes it out of a hostile country after the government abandons him. Gets set up for an assassination attempt and survives a full on FBI hunt, then proves to the government he was set up by the evil senator and then donks off the senator while driving into the abyss with Kate Mara riding shotgun. If don't know who Kate Mara is, she's basically the hottest red head in the game, in my opinion. Bob Lee holding it down as the nuanced quintessential American badass.
#8 - Al Czervik of Caddyshack portrayed by Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield is hilarious in basically everything, but this is one of his better characters for sure. Just buckets of fuck its coming from Al Czervik. Dude's fucking loaded and lives a crazy extravagant lifestyle. Basically, Happy Gilmore before Happy Gilmore. Throwing cash around, getting naked lady golf tees, and to top it all off, he's got a scope on his putter. Just doesn't get much cooler than that. Got the bonus yacht scene where Al is straight fucking shit up, "I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!"
#7 - Hank Moody of Californication portrayed by David Duchovny
"A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. And two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister."
If you thought the guy who penned this fantastic insight wasn't going to been on the list, you're dumb. Hank Moody, mothafucka! This guy is a total cowboy. An author from New York who's stranded in Los Angeles dogging honeys and getting involved in the craziest shit you can think of. I'm not sure if there ever was or ever will be a fictional character that has pulled as much tail as this guy right here. Californication is honestly ridiculous. Like most Showtime series, it ran it's course in about 4 seasons but isn't officially ending until season 7. Just save yourself the time and watch seasons 1-4 and pretend that's all there is. Hank Moody's constant chase of Karen, the one who got away, is sort of an every man's plight. A comical romantic tragedy. Like most of the women in Hank's world, you can't resist his appeal, he's just got such a way with the words. Lot of great moments from Hank, just charming the pants off chicks, but this is one of my favorites. Maybe just because this woman is English and a total milf, maybe just because Hank is an absolute cooz hound, maybe it's both. He even makes this mushy love letter scene in a fedora look cool as fuck. Some guys have the je ne sais quoi, some don't.
#6 - The Delta Brothers of Animal House
Eric "Otter" Stratton portrayed by Tim Matheson
John "Bluto" Blutarsky portrayed by John Belushi
Donald "Boon" Schoenstein portrayed by Peter Riegert
Daniel Day "D-Day" portrayed by Bruce McGill
Robert Hoover portrayed by James Widdoes
What was I going to do, only put John Belushi on the list? Bluto may have chugged an entire bottle of Jack Daniels, smashed that pussy's guitar and dropped the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor line, but did he coin the term, "Major League Yabos?" Did he drive a Goddamn motorcycle up a flight of stairs? No, it'd have been BroBible short-sighted to only include one brother. That being said, while all the guys are hilarious, Otter stands head and shoulders above the rest. Dude slays, and I don't mean that he had a hot girlfriend, I mean that he "porked" the Greek President's girlfriend as well as the Dean's wife. Also went on to become a Gyno. Total Stratton Move. Check him out here hooking Mrs. Wormer.
#5 - Don Draper of Mad Men portrayed by Jon Hamm
If there was ever a time where I thought the term "swag" could be appropriately used. Now is the time. Don Draper has the most swag of any guy I've ever seen. The dude crushes ass and drinks like a fish, all while making millions of dollars at his ad agency. On top of that, the dude always, and I mean always, looks like he walked right out of a Brooks Brothers ad. It's not only that he dogs dozens of chicks, but it's the way he does it. He doesn't just walk up to women and say, "Hey, let's fuck." Don is a smooth motherfucker. He drops unreal pick-up lines and makes power moves that will make your head spin. Have you ever picked up a chick like this? Didn't think so.
#4 - Tyler Durden of Fight Club portrayed by Brad Pitt
Can't act like you didn't watch this movie and then immediately go look up Brad Pitt's workout plan in an effort to become a total man's man badass anarchist. Even if the effort only lasted 4 days. Maybe that was just me. In the movie, Brad Pitt describes himself as the narrator's ideal version of himself -- "I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you are not." That's not only true of Edward Norton's character, but basically every dude on the face of the Earth. If you didn't want to be Brad Pitt after this flick, I question your manhood, the world questions your manhood. He bangs the shit of Helena Carter on multiple occasions, total badass in a fist fight, does whatever the fuck he wants, and starts a crazy cult of badass dudes. Alpha male central.
#3 - Ari Gold of Entourage portrayed by Jeremy Piven
Jeremy Piven is a pretty underrated actor and usually solid across the board but his role as Ari Gold is on a whole other level. I'm probably going to say this about the rest of the finalists, but every scene with Ari and every rant he goes on is hysterical, laugh out loud, funny. Just loud mouth, profane, obscene, offensive, awful things come out of his mouth and I laugh at everything he says. Not to mention, his wife is probably the milfiest milf of all-time. She's like a 7 when the series starts, but she's a stone cold 10 by the end of the series. I was literally devastated for Ari when she left him, he was kind of asking for it, but still, women were fucking him left and right, and not in the way guys like getting fucked by women (subtle Entourage reference like you read about). That was a tough fall from grace even though he got to stick Dana Gordon again after seven seasons of sexual tension. Anyway, Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold coming in at number 3, enjoy the greatest hits.
#2 - Jeremy Grey of Wedding Crashers and Trent Walker of Swingers portrayed by Vince Vaughn
SO many money lines between these flicks. In fact, the term "money" was put on blast by Vince Vaughn's character Trent Walker in Swingers. That was the birth of Vince Vaughn. Before Jeremy Grey was slaying bridesmaids every night of wedding season, he was dogging cocktail waitresses in Vegas on a Wednesday night. I could write a Goddamn research paper about how many different quotables came from Wedding Crashers: motor boating, proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me, crab cakes and football, jabroni, lower back tattoo, might as well be a bullseye, and I won't even go down the path of all of Will Ferrell's quotes from his one scene. Chazz Reinhold certainly deserves an honorable mention here at number 2 but being such a minor character really made him ineligible for this list. Really though, I don't think there would be a Jeremy Grey if there wasn't a Trent Walker. I feel like most of my generation isn't hip to Swingers, but it is an absolute classic, solid flick all the way through. Vince Vaughn is really the appeal here though, Jon Favreau is a total pussy in the movie and that's why Vince has earned himself the number 2 spot here. Once a player, always a player.
Lot of material to watch here but totally worth 15 minutes of your time. These two scenes from Swingers are a fucking riot. The drunk scene with Vince Vaughn is so spot on, everyone's got that friend that's the asshole at the late-night meal. And just when you thought you couldn't find a more spot on scene, you've got the guys playing a video game scene, so money. Had to throw in the 10 minute Best of Wedding Crashers, just too many good moments.
"There she is, the wonderful lady! Right? Personality plus, all the time!"
#1 - David Wooderson of Dazed and Confused / Rust Cohle of True Detective portrayed by Matt McConaughey
Got to give credit where credit is due. McConaughey hits all ends of the spectrum here, Wooderson is the coolest of the cool and Cohle is the baddest of the bad. As Bnasty once put it, "I considered taking up smoking cigs for like a week because Rust made it look so cool." If you haven't seen True Detective yet, you're really missing out. Just all around greatness, Woody Harrelson is solid, but McConaughey crushes it. Just says some of the most ridiculous philosophical shit you've ever heard while simultaneously low key being the baddest cop around. The episode where he goes incognito with the biker gang and robs the drug house in the hoodest projects of New Orleans just to get a lead on a possible suspect is nothing short of bananas. The amount of drugs he does before going in there and just handling business is outrageous. I don't how know anyone could be that level headed in that situation, let alone after snorting 12 lines of meth and cocaine and PCP and whatever the fuck else he was doing.
Then you got old David Wooderson. Coolest cat to ever grace the big screen, in my opinion. Dude's got the baddest ride you can imagine and just cruises the strip looking for joints and high school chicks, because he gets older and they stay the same age. Literally, every single line McConaughey has in Dazed and Confused is absolutely hilarious.
Probably should drop a shout out to McConaughey in Wolf of Wall Street because the one scene with him in it is arguably the best scene in the 3-hour movie.
McConaughey takes the top spot, because he's McConaughey and he's awesome. Simple as that. Appreciate the greatness.
"Tootski? Hookers and cocaine, my friend. Gotta feed the geese to keep the blood flowing"
Editor's Note -- The amount of time I spent on this fucking blog post is honestly embarrassing. But I didn't realize how embarrassing it actually was until I got through ranking like 7 of the 10 dudes. Looks like a high school English project, but fuck it, it's an awesome Goddamn English project.
Kid is all business. Outrageous panty-dropping power moves going on here with the 3 for 1 special. Girl who got the ball is totally smitten, doesn't even know what to do, red head is loving it, and the girl in the middle just got totally Vince Vaughned, that seat is sopping wet. Best part is, girl he gave the ball to isn't the girl he's trying to stick. This kid is playing in another league, been playing Chess since pre-school, just making moves that most don't even understand. He's playing the go after the friend card to make the real target jealous. And just like Vince Vaughn, flawless execution. He'd probably been scouting them from the moment he sat down because like a true connoisseur of the opposite sex, he knows where all the hot women are within an immediate 100 foot radius. Love the kid's game, probably going to be putting up Wilt Chamberlain numbers by the time he leaves high school, and I'm not talking about points and rebounds.
Yet another example of DC Sports fans, so out of touch with reality. The Wizards beat a Derrick Rose-less Bulls team and then the whole city pencils them in the Eastern Conference Finals. Makes no sense the few of us here in the Nation's Capital who have some sense about them. Stick to lying about never eating a Big Mac and talking about the Caps, Nate. You know, the good stuff.
New bit that your boy is instituting as of right now. Every Friday I'll be posting the most silly-slept-on jam I can possibly think of. Kicking things off, we've got Dexy's Midnight Runners with "Come on Eileen" busting in with overalls, banjo shredding and tail chasing. Since the lyrics are borderline impossible to understand, I went ahead and looked them up for you guys. Love the chorus --
Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means (what he means)
At this moment you mean everything
You in that dress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty
Oh, come on Eileen
This song's basically about a dude trying to get a slice from Eileen. If hearing this song doesn't make you want to grab the closest smoke and swing dance them Wedding Crashers style (love the panty-dropper move from Vince Vaughn at 1:50), I don't know what to tell you, you might want to rethink your sexuality. Heard Michael Sam doesn't like this song either.
ned schneebly 
Nate 