New bit that your boy is instituting as of right now. Every Friday I'll be posting the most silly-slept-on jam I can possibly think of. Kicking things off, we've got Dexy's Midnight Runners with "Come on Eileen" busting in with overalls, banjo shredding and tail chasing. Since the lyrics are borderline impossible to understand, I went ahead and looked them up for you guys. Love the chorus --
Come on Eileen
Oh, I swear what he means (what he means)
At this moment you mean everything
You in that dress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty
Oh, come on Eileen
This song's basically about a dude trying to get a slice from Eileen. If hearing this song doesn't make you want to grab the closest smoke and swing dance them Wedding Crashers style (love the panty-dropper move from Vince Vaughn at 1:50), I don't know what to tell you, you might want to rethink your sexuality. Heard Michael Sam doesn't like this song either.
DailyDot - Boy meets girl. Boy throws girl off the roof of a mansion into a pool during a Hustler shoot. Girl threatens to sue boy and said porn mag for injuries sustained during fall. Boy’s lawyer issues response to girl. Response goes viral.
In this case, the boy in question is Dan Bilzerian, pro poker player, son of a multimillionaire Wall Street banker, Instagram playboy king. He made headlines last month after he threw porn star and model Janice Griffith off a roof into a pool during a photo shoot, breaking her foot in the process.
After Griffith threatened to sue Bilzerian for $85,000 to cover the cost of the work she missed as a result of her injury, Bilzerian’s lawyer issued the following response, which his client posted on Facebook. Here it is, via Total Frat Move. (Bilzerian’s camp confirms it’s legit.)
Power moves like you read about. You think 85K means absolutely anything to Dan Bilzerian? The guy would wipe his ass with that money if someone would take a video of it for his Instagram to tag Janice Griffith as a big fuck you for thinking she could sue him for something as asinine as being thrown off a roof (low key hoping that suggestion somehow reaches Dan). When Janice tries to be the "crass opportunist," like Mr. Bilzerian's lawyer so eloquently put it, Dan doesn't soften up and give in to make Janice go away, he has his lawyer write the most fantastically condescending letter in the history of condescending letters.
This story is just oozing Dan Bilzerian. Picks up a naked porn star by the vagina and throws her off a roof, cracks her foot, gets threatened with a lawsuit and then tells the porn star to go fuck herself. Total Ray Zalinskymove. Let's review a couple highlights from this letter --
1. "So like your client, the facts of the claim won't, quite, fly."
2. "The tape shows that she did the one thing that she had been explicitly told in advance would stop her from making it to the pool; she grabbed Mr. Bilzerian's shirt. Now, I'm no physicist. And it won't surprise you that I don't have any relevant personal experience."
3. "Thankfully, she does seem to be getting on. I don't run in the same circles, but like a lot of people, I do have Twitter. And with all due respect, she overshares. I can't bear to describe most of what is on her eponymous account, thejaniceXXX. I will save you the embarrasment of looking for yourself. Just trust me that her recent missives with the hashtags, "#deepthroat," "#fatpussies," and "#NSFW" (the others are SFW?) suggest that her career is gangbusters."
4. "So if your client sues Mr. Bilzerian, she will obviously lose. But please don't let her believe that since you may well have a claim against Hustler, there's no downside to tacking him on as another deep-pocketed defendant who might settle just to make her go away. Mr. Bilzerian will never, ever permit the case to be resolved prior to the inevitable judgment in his favor."
5. "Your client should just box up almost every last bit of her property (please exclude all videos and photographs as well as the seemingly inevitable small yappy dog) and drop it off with you in safe keeping for Mr. Bilzerian. After he receives the judgment in his favor, he will have it all delivered to him. Then he will probably blow it up with a mortar in the desert."
Honorable mentions:
"I am genuinely sorry that your client was hurt. No one wants to see anyone injured. But the suggestion that Mr. Bilzerian is responsible for that injury is embarrassing. I'm sorry she made you suggest it in writing."
"Maybe your client will think this letter is unduly harsh. After all, I've never met her. I'm not at all familiar with her oeuvre. If my life depended on it, I could not tell you what phrase she has tattooed on her left breast."
-----------------------
The best part is all the sweeping generalizations the lawyer makes about Janice as a porn star. The dog, the tattoo, everything is spot on.
Can you imagine being in the room for the first read of that letter? I'm just picturing Janice sitting there with her shitty little dog, yapping from her purse while she sits there with a huge cast on her foot and snapping her gum as her lawyer reads the letter out loud. He finishes the letter puts the paper down and takes off his reading glasses in defeat. Janice snaps her gum one more time before saying, "So, what's that mean? When am I getting paid?"
Editor's Note -- Here is Off The Felt Episode 2 with Dan Bilzerian. Just power moves for days. Who crowd surfs in an inflatable raft at a Steve Aoki concert in Vegas with Waka Flocka, Flavor Flav and Coolio? Dan Bilzerian does. Can't get enough of this guy.
Barstool Trent - Get after it! Get after it! I’m exhausted just after watching that. I guess this is called Voguing? The new hottest dance moves in the street apparently. Never seen it before. I’m so white it’s outrageous. All I know is that dude can dance. He was throwing around moves I didn’t even know were humanly possible. I did nothing that whole time except tap my foot like the uncoordinated Caucasian I am. I missed half the moves too because his hands were moving so fast. I have no idea how he was able to drive an ambulance, talk on the radio and bust moves like that simultaneously. I can’t imagine the type of damage he could do if you put him on dance floor. He’d leave it in ruins. Do you, dancing EMT driver. Do you.
PS- People still listen to the radio and get excited when their song comes on? I thought those days were long gone but if anybody can bring them back, it’s this dancing EMT driver.
Probably the most disappointing blog I've read from Barstool Trent. A video ripe with perspective just flat out botched. Swing and a miss. Would've told you that was Nate if I hadn't read the byline before I read the blog.
First of all, there's like a 95% chance this is Michael Sam. The resemblance is uncanny. Second, this dude can't dance, he's just being outrageously gay and flailing his arms around. Third, this song sucks. And fourth, I'm absolutely picturing the guy on the other end of the walkie-talkie as a super country-bumpkin white guy holding his radio 4 feet away from his face because the static sound of Rihanna just busted his eardrum and he's just looking at it like, "What the fuck is going on in that ambulance?" Meanwhile, the dispatcher is getting a call about some old guy having a heart attack and he's yelling into the walkie-talkie to Michael Sam, "MICHAEL! There's a 487 in the park a half-mile from you." Michael is jamming the fuck out and has no idea what dispatch is talking about so he just yells back, "Yeah, they going off on 97.1! Turn on the radio, spin that shit!" Then there's just a solid minute of Michael not holding the wheel and dancing like a jackass. Then if you notice at the end of the video, Michael's face gets super serious because without Rihanna and Juicy J on full blast, he can finally hear the dispatch call.
Can't wait until the story breaks about this guy losing his job. Actually, I can wait, because I'm sure a discrimination lawsuit would be soon to follow.
TMZ - The show -- produced by the same people who did Lindsay Lohan's show -- will chronicle Sam's journey into the NFL ... and we're told Sam has already been taping the show for weeks.
In fact, we're told Oprah's crew was in the room when Sam learned he had been drafted by the St. Louis Rams ... and clearly knew his big celebratory kiss with his BF would make for great reality television.
Oprah issued a statement saying, "We are honored that Michael is trusting us with his private journey in this moment that has not only made history but will shape it forever."
Unclear when the series is set to debut -- or how the Rams feel about the situation.
In a press conference yesterday, Michael Sam said, "I understand that right now you guys want to make a big deal out of it, but as soon as that's over [I can focus on football] as fast as possible." No, no, Michael Sam. You're making a big deal out of it. You're rubbing cake on your boyfriends face before you kiss him on national television. You're signing up for the reality show. You're just as responsible for making this into the circus show that is. When Jason Collins came out of the closet last year, it got a lot of buzz because he was the first openly gay athlete in a major professional sport, but I think that was coming from a genuine place. He hid it for a long time, from a lot of people; he wasn't trying to make a statement, he wasn't trying to be Jackie Robinson for the gay community, he was just being himself. I think Michael Sam is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He clearly wants to come in and make a statement about being a gay athlete in the NFL, this is absolutely more than football for him. Which is fine, I guess, but don't act annoyed about society getting caught up in the sexuality piece if you're the one throwing it everyone's face. What bothers me about these modern day civil rights circuses like this is that you've already won, Michael Sam. In 2014, the people who don't want you in the locker room have 0 chance of winning that battle. Zippy. So my question is, what is there to get up in arms about? If you really are just another football player, who happens to be gay, than why cause such a ruckus? Why smear cake across your boyfriends face before you kiss him on national television? Why are you signing up to be apart of a reality show? You were picked in the 7th fucking round, there's no guarantees you're even going to be playing for the Rams. If you're a football player first and foremost, than you should be focusing on doing everything you possibly can to make that final 53-man roster; not sitting around with Oprah talking about what should happen on the next episode of "Stand with Sam."
UNTUCKit - We started UNTUCKit because we realized there were literally millions of men who struggled like we did to find button down shirts that looked good untucked. Most shirts are too long, too bulky or (cringe) square bottom. If you don't believe us, look around. It shouldn't be this difficult; but it is. We did an insane amount of research and learned 3 important things:
First, shirt length was the #1 problem for guys who wear their shirts untucked. It wasn't just me, and it wasn't just my friends...this was pervasive
Second, there is a perfect length for the untucked shirt. An overwhelming majority of men and women want that untucked shirt to fall well over the belt but to keep a portion of the pant pocket exposed. This established the zone of acceptable length.
Third, of the 100+ shirts we tried on, not a single one fell into this “zone of acceptable length”. Unless you're really tall and thin, you are going to struggle to find a good fit.
So we decided to start our own company, marketed exclusively for men who wear their shirts untucked. We would design the perfect shirt for the untucked man; scientifically and stylistically designed to look better. And so that’s what we've done.
Thank you for visiting us and happy shopping.
Chris Riccobono
Founder
Chris Riccobono has to being fucking somebody at GQ, right? How else would this idea ever get enough traction to get an endorsement? Shirts designed to be untucked has to be the dumbest fucking concept I've ever heard of and the fact that this idea made it out of a pitch meeting is just bananas to me, let alone that it's being endorsed by Brad Richards and GQ. Maybe Chris is fucking Brad Richards? I don't know, but Chris is fucking somebody with some pull who is too afraid to tell him that this idea is an absolute dud.
My favorite part about this is that they developed a shirt to fit a concept that they created. There is no such thing as a "Zone of Acceptable Length." That is completely and totally fabricated by UNTUCKit. You could tell me that's just great marketing, but if we're at the point in this country where we have a legitimate need for shirts of an acceptable untucked length, we're just a bunch of assholes. Imagine what we look like to Africa.
Africa - "Yeah, things are getting pretty bad over here, we've got 6 million kids who are starving to death and a bunch of dictators causing mass genocide.
American - "Sorry, Africa. We'd love to help but we've got 6 million douche bags who needs shirts cut to an acceptable untucked length. Priorities, you know?"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems the only benefit to buying a shirt from UNTUCKit versus say, J. Crew, is that the shirt is 2 1/2 inches shorter to "keep a portion of the pant pocket exposed." I mean, get the fuck out of here, UNTUCKit. There's zippy chance you're charging me $90 for a shirt that's basically just too small and going to make me look like I stole clothes out of a middle schoolers closet. If you're douchey enough to buy this shirt than you probably don't even need it because you're the guy tucking in your plaid button-downs when you go out. If you're a normal guy, you don't give a fuck about tucking in your shirt, or if it's covering your pockets, or if it falls appropriately passed the belt, and you certainly don't give a fuck about the "Zone of Acceptable Length."
UNTUCKit is just a company by the asshole for the asshole. Check the courtsides at tonight's Wizard's game, I'm sure you'll see plenty of dudes rocking UNTUCKit.
When I started writing this yesterday, I was going to write all about how the Wizards straight Mr. Marcus'd the Pacers the other night and how pumped I am to see a game 6 (hopefully a game 7). Specifically, I wanted to talk about how much I fucking love Marcin Gortat because I love watching white dudes ball out. I wanted to talk about how fucking horrendously inconsistent Roy Hibbert is when he remembers that his whole team ran train on his girlfriend and I wanted to talk about how it's only a matter of time before Lance Stephenson kills someone because he is undoubtedly the angriest person on the planet.
If that's not the face of a Goddamn maniac then I don't know what is.
Anyway, I was trying to find a good picture of my boy Marcin for the cover photo and I discovered that picture of him showing off his chest tattoo. So instead of recapping a series that you either, A, already know about, or B, don't give a fuck about, I'm going to talk about how ridiculous Marcin Gortat's Wonder Years chest tattoo is. I don't mean it's necessarily the most ridiculous tattoo I've ever seen, it's hard to snag that title when you play in the same league as Birdman, but Jesus, who the fuck would get Jack Arnold tattooed on their chest?
It's hilarious because there's 0 chance that a Polish dude has ever heard of Wonder Years. Yet there it is, right there on his chest, Jack Arnold in pair of boxing mitts. Supposedly, it's actually Marcin's dad, who was a boxer, but I'm just going to dismiss that I ever read that information because it's much more of a knee-slapper if you think about a Polish guy getting a Wonder Years tattoo.
PS - It's a stone-cold fact that Jack Arnold was the inspiration for Big Bob Pataki on Hey Arnold.
NEW SMYRNA BEACH, Fla. (AP) – A Florida high school football coach has been arrested after authorities say he repeatedly stole money from students' wallets.Volusia County sheriff's officials said they used invisible luminescent powder sprinkled on decoy money to catch Rodney Barnes. Authorities said nine students lost $950, but they expect those numbers to rise as the investigation continues. After several thefts in the boys' locker room, the school bought an ultraviolet theft detection kit and the sheriff's office launched "Operation Sticky Fingers." A student was given a wallet containing $141 and each bill was coated with luminescent powder. After some of the money was taken, officials search students for traces of the powder.Forty-three year-old Barnes admitted taking the money and confessed to several other thefts. He was charged Monday with burglary and grand theft.
I'm 100% convinced that the Voluisa County sheriff's office and the school administrators who lead this investigation named this "Operation Sticky Fingers" because that's Rodney Barnes' nickname. You can think all you want that "sticky fingers" is just a clever way of saying "thief" but you'd be so wrong. Look at that guy in the face and tell me that he doesn't eat 5-7 honey-buns per day and walk around getting his sticky ass fingers on everything. That's what I thought.
I love how the story only refers to Rodney Sticky Fingers as "a Florida high school football coach". For whatever reason, it gives off the impression that he's the head coach or something - but if you played sports growing up, you know exactly what kind of coach Sticky Fingers is. Every town in America has a guy like this - just an old creepy dude who cares WAY too much about high school sports. Year after year, they find some way to finagle their way onto a coaching staff with some bootleg role like assistant linebackers coach or some shit. They try so hard to fit in with the players that it makes everyone around super uncomfortable. Needless to say these bros typically aren't raking in the cash since they spend the majority of their time obsessing over high school sports, trying to fill some childhood void since they probably definitely sucked at sports, so I kinda feel bad for Sticky Fingers here, guys just trying to get by. If I had to guess, I'd say that all of that money went to gas, 6 packs, 7/11 hot dogs, and entry fees to other high school football games so that he could get a good scouting report for future games.
